Home, Home on the Range
It's amazing that someone can know 100 people and still be completley alone.
I guess I say it's amazing because I don't understand it. I feel like I should know enough people that I needn't be lonely, yet I am. But when it comes right down to it, how many of them really know me? And how many of them do I really know? We're not talking about the what-you-do-for-work-and-play kind of knowing, we're talking about the deep down why-you-do-the-things-you-do kind of knowing. The favorite-ice-cream where-you-wanna-go-on-your-honeymoon childhood-fears kind of knowing. The kind of why-I-don't-eat-fish knowing that really sez something about a person and reveals something of their world, that lets you see things from their perspective.
And I feel like I once had those kinds of friends, and don't any more.
Most of them I pissed off quite a long time ago, and those people that swore we'de be family forever haven't talked to me in years. And that's understandable. Maybe someday if I'm really drunk I'll tell you the story. But that doesn't mean I don't love them and miss them and wish things had been different.
The years since have brought many incredibly awesome friends my way, and some have come close to secret-life-goal status, but most top out at knowing-my-middle-name. And that isn't a bad thing; for those who do know my middle name I love you dearly, and for those who don't, well, ask me sometime. But it's just not the same, you know?
And those top 3 or 4, you know who you are, and I thank God for you every day. But even we don't talk like we used to, and that makes me cry.
Sometimes that is just the way life goes; people drift together and apart again. It's inevitable. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, and it doesn't mean I don't long for someone who knows me and who I know back and who we can share life together. It's slightly ironic to me that out of the top 4 people who know-more-things-than-most-people-do about me, the two who have known me longest don't even live in this country (God bless Canada). They are true friends. Yet it's hard to really share life with someone who lives a continent away, as nice as that would be.
And to my new friends? I'm very thankful for you, and I hope that someday I can tell you what my favorite-color-in-kindergarten was. Someday. It's awesome spending time with you, cuz yer incredibly wonderful! And I know that true friendship takes time, and God grant that we get to share that.
But sometimes I just want a hug and there is no one around to give me one...
I guess I say it's amazing because I don't understand it. I feel like I should know enough people that I needn't be lonely, yet I am. But when it comes right down to it, how many of them really know me? And how many of them do I really know? We're not talking about the what-you-do-for-work-and-play kind of knowing, we're talking about the deep down why-you-do-the-things-you-do kind of knowing. The favorite-ice-cream where-you-wanna-go-on-your-honeymoon childhood-fears kind of knowing. The kind of why-I-don't-eat-fish knowing that really sez something about a person and reveals something of their world, that lets you see things from their perspective.
And I feel like I once had those kinds of friends, and don't any more.
Most of them I pissed off quite a long time ago, and those people that swore we'de be family forever haven't talked to me in years. And that's understandable. Maybe someday if I'm really drunk I'll tell you the story. But that doesn't mean I don't love them and miss them and wish things had been different.
The years since have brought many incredibly awesome friends my way, and some have come close to secret-life-goal status, but most top out at knowing-my-middle-name. And that isn't a bad thing; for those who do know my middle name I love you dearly, and for those who don't, well, ask me sometime. But it's just not the same, you know?
And those top 3 or 4, you know who you are, and I thank God for you every day. But even we don't talk like we used to, and that makes me cry.
Sometimes that is just the way life goes; people drift together and apart again. It's inevitable. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, and it doesn't mean I don't long for someone who knows me and who I know back and who we can share life together. It's slightly ironic to me that out of the top 4 people who know-more-things-than-most-people-do about me, the two who have known me longest don't even live in this country (God bless Canada). They are true friends. Yet it's hard to really share life with someone who lives a continent away, as nice as that would be.
And to my new friends? I'm very thankful for you, and I hope that someday I can tell you what my favorite-color-in-kindergarten was. Someday. It's awesome spending time with you, cuz yer incredibly wonderful! And I know that true friendship takes time, and God grant that we get to share that.
But sometimes I just want a hug and there is no one around to give me one...
posted by Rils | 9:42 PM
2 Comments:
I hear you. I guess I have an advantage because most of my friends are related to me. And it is weird now to have friends who score 90 on my quizes, since I'm so used to being friends with my books.
I'm glad to know you.
I am convinced that the loneliness that fills me is my longing to go Home. No matter how many of my friends take the time to dig deep and dare to see the real me-its only a temporairy bandage. (And honestly only a handful have ever even tried-it takes a lot of patience, so I understand not wanting to put in the effort :-) Inevitably the feeling returns. The desire to have someone just KNOW-and not have to ask. To have someone fill that God-shaped hole in my heart. In a way I am thankful for that feeling-it reminds me that this life is not the final destination.
I do however live just a mile away, so "if you need a hug you just have to tell me"- remember? Bean
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